Post by shanomacbry on Sept 14, 2009 7:23:54 GMT -5
"Apollo, you're just a joke. And a bad one at that."
- Saidogai
=====================
Sai... the only bad joke around here? Is ME!
Prepare to feel the wrath of the Bagel...
=====================
*static*
[Scene: The raYne Forest ... St. Louis, Missouri ... Saturday, August 23rd, 2009 ... 6:40 am]
Voice: Some of you may know me as Reeve Gordon... some of you? You may remember a pillow-biting fairy named "raYne". Hell, for the past five years I've gone by the name "Axl Van Halen" in a small time federation called 'Brawlers on a Budget'. But in the end... that's ALL in the past. And that, my friends, is what seperates me... from all of you.
Voice: I know when to move on. I know when to move forward. And more importantly, I know how to seperate reality from fantasy...
Voice: Fantasy is Believing in magical things like "raYne Forests", and fanstastic stories of a dragon warrior who soars so high into the sky that it takes hours for him to return to the canvas... Seriously, who REALLY Believed that JVX could leap that high off the turnbuckle? Not me... atleast.... not anymore.
Voice: Reality? Reality is the Truth. And the Truth is... raYne Forests don't exist. Neither do dragons. Only pain... only anguish... only torment.
Voice: And these are the three things I wish to bring to this promotion. Javex is no longer around to protect you has-beens and never was... -es. ... Javex WAS!
I AM...
[The voice rises from the chair... begins to turn... and when he does so, we realize that... well, we don't realize much, other than the fact that he's wearing a cloak, so we STILL can't figure out who this jerk is... DAMN the suspense!]
? : Once, I was known as Reeve... Then? raYne... Most recently, I was known as Axl. But the Truth is, these are just names. They are not who I am... Who I Am is so much more than a mere gimmick... I Am an entity to be feared... to be terrified of... I Am hell personified...
? : A man's name is not what Truly matters... it is where he chooses to go...
? : And I choose to go... to WSE. World Sports Entertainment... No matter the name, it is still the same place I remember from so long ago... and my only purpose in this business... is to see, once and for all, that the remains of Xtreme Alliance Wrestling is brought down... My purpose... is to KILL XAW... regardless of what it is called.
[The man behind the voice drops the robe... to reveal himself...]
[His face is painted the very same way as that of legendary grappler, Sting...]
[His hair is long, wild, and mulit-colored...]
[He wears one lime green eye contact, and the other, hot pink...]
[His legs are adorned with a pair of jet black 'Trippz' pants, with chains loosely scattered about...]
[He wears a glittery, sparkling t-shirt with the word 'DIVA' printed across the front in faux diamonds...]
[His feet are bare, and his wrists are accentuated by spiked bands...]
[Around his throat is a necklace... carrying a crystal dragon pendant...]
[... and in his right hand, he holds firmly a black baseball bat.]
[Born Reeve... Bred raYne... Became Axl... Now? He lives by but one name...]
Legion: I AM LEGION...
... for we ARE many.
[Hm... So... You're going by 'Legion' now?]
Legion: Yeah! Kinda catchy, eh?
[Well, to tell the Truth... It STINKS!]
Legion: ... YOU STINK!
Legion: What's that?
Legion: ... Oh shit.
*static*
=====================
[All of the suddenly, Mac Bry wakes up.]
MB: "All of the suddenly" ... The hell? *yawn* Wow... I just had THE most peculiar dream. I actually dreamed that I had joined an e-fed that had all of my old e-fed pals. Andrew... Kevin... Kyle... Jenn... Some guy named Deas, who I've never heard of... the whole gang! And I joined as this character that was a combination of every character I'd EVER played... but then my log cabin, the one I wrote about so many times in raYne's home forest... it was burnt to a kentucky fried CRISP!
MB: You Believe me, dont'cha raYne?
raYne (the cat) : Meow.
MB: Awww, that's such a pwitty widdle kitty-kins! Ohhh, you're just the most GORGEOUS and LOVEABLE and BEAUTIFUL, precious little thing in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!
raYne: ... Meow?
[Mac Bry grabs up his black and white cat, which he named after the e-fed character that brought him his most success. Which... doesn't exactly say alot, but hey, atleast raYne never got drenched in a vat of shit. Of course... with raYne being Reeve's alter ego, I guess that pretty much means he WAS... uh... aw screw it, MB's character history is too f*cking complicated to go into great detail about. Let's just listen to him make more of an ass out of himself, shall we?]
MB: So, raYne, whad'ya say buuu-ddy? Why don't we go check up on my parody based angle fed ; The WWECWCWWF!!! I posted the BIGGEST pay-per-view EVER, with all three hundred titles on the line, and a 5,000 man / woman / inanimate object / dead politician Royal Royale in the main event!!! Dammit, I just know EVERYONE has probably read it, and left like a bajillion quadrillion comments just HEAPING praise onto my BRILLIANT work! Let's check this shit out...
[As his cat begins to lick its crotch, Mac hops onto the e-Sports Entertainment message board that hosts his fed (eW-Ghetto, where eWrestling comes to DIE!). Mac arrives at his target... only to find but ONE hit on his show thread. The viewer DID leave a comment though ; ]
"You call this pay-per-view 'The Great American BackLash at the Beach' ? Well, you should change the name to 'The NOT-SO-GREAT American BackLash at the Beach'!!! Because ... that's what it is! Not-so-great. ... YOU SUCK!!!"
MB: GOD-f*ckING-DAMMIT! After busting my ass for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS, THIS is the only friggin' response I get?! I've waited an entire THIRTY MINUTES for the replies to pour in, and you mean to tell me I haven't already received one trillion positive comments?! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I... I... I'm going to have this message board shut DOWN, by gum, that's what I'M gonna do! And another thing -
Computer Speaker : You've got mail!
MB: ... Whoa... that's the first time I've actually gotten mail from somebody since... well, since I turned my spam filter on. Which was... five years ago.
MB: ... Jeez, I'm a loser. ... But hey, this must be important! Clickety click, and awaaay we GO!
[Mac clicks on the pop-up notification, and is instantly taken to his HawtMale account. Yes, HawtMale, the OFFICIAL electronic mail service of all 'PlayGirl' subscribers. ... Oh, it's not that Mac is gay or anything. No, no, of course not. Just bi-curious. But, hey, he's got a girlfriend... who just so happens to ALSO be bi-curious. ... She might not care for me mentioning that, though...]
MB: I'm sure she wouldn't! ... So don't!
[Already did.]
MB: ... DAMN!
[The two have been going out for four years, ever since their high school senior prom. Mac's shared a GREAT relationship with Crys... Well, besides the fact that his mom only lets him see her every weekend... Despite the fact that he's now 22 and a half years old. But hey, as long as he's living under HER roof, it's HER rules. And... well, let's just say a job's nowhere in sight for poor ol' Shane.
]
MB: HEY!!! No referring to me by my REAL NAME!!!
[Whoops!]
MB: Hm... this e-mail is from a familiar address... gio2371@a-o-hell.com ... Weird. Well, let's see what we've got here...
"Dear Recipient,
Come August 26th, many of the great members of some of the web's FINEST feds will converge, to form a brand-spankin' new organization! They will hail from such great feds as ; Xtreme Alliance Wrestling ... Mid-west Championship Wrestling ... The Ultimate Pork & Beans Eating World ObeseWeight Federation ... among MANY others (read : no others) .
Such great members as ;
- Andrew Giovanni (Vlad, Scarface)
- Kevin Thompson (Apollo Kaytor, Mystic, One Man Army)
- Kyle Lee (Saidogai, Bruce Lee's ugly step-cousin)
- Jennifer Whatsherface (Tara Rysing, a buncha others I don't feel like thinkin' aboot)
- Tracy Buttsecks (Antagonist, Griffin probably, himself, Tootie)
- The Russian! ... Nah, better not invite that guy, he'll drink all the vodka in catering...
- Jon the Mexican Feller (Javex Valerius. ... Ok, we didn't really get him, but hey, you can bet your sweet ass we tried...)
- The guy that played Sugar Stevens. You remember HIM, right? He was AWESOME! Now his character goes by the name "Adam Darke"! ... Yeah, don't worry, we think the name sucks too.
- Ralph Cramden (Draka. You know... big, tall... kinda dumb. ... Good at shuffleboard.)
- Some Guy Named Deas (Bryan Deas. Doesn't ring a bell? Trust me, you're not alone.)
- And MANY more! (read: no more)
So, if you want EXCITEMENT! If you like ACTION! If you enjoy PORN! Then click on the following link, and prepare for the fast paced, exciting, action-packed, porn-filled* world of Heartland Championship Wrestling!!!
*porn not included"
[Mac's face instantly fills with glee.]
MB: raYne!!! You won't BELIEVE this! My dreams have come TRUE! The whole gang is back together, and by GUM, this here ol' Oklahoma boy is gonna join in on the fun!
raYne: Meow...
MB: I know!
[... ?]
MB: I know EXACTLY what you mean, my adorable lil' snuggle muffin! I'm sure all of those guys will be SOOO totally looking forward to having me back in the fold! I mean, I WAS always their absolute FAVORITE! I mean... without me, they wouldn't have been able to keep XAW open as long as they did! I was like... like... their SAVIOR!
MB: And that's EXACTLY what I'll be for this 'HCW'! It's time to reunite with the family, and to raise some hell... the way only Reeve Gordon can!
raYne: MEOW!!!
MB: Ohhh, alright, I guess I'll use raYne as my character. But I'm finally starting to get over my little "bi-curious" phase, and I don't really think playing a gay character is going to help any...
raYne:
MB: OK, OK! Sheesh... I didn't even know cats could make those faces! You can haz your damn way, ya spoiled rotten little furball...
raYne: ;D
MB: Ugh... raYne (the character) it is. Welp, I guess there's nothing left to do other than to click this link, and sign up an application. As EVERYONE knows, applications are VERY important, and should always be taken care of with the utmost dilligence. And as everyone ALSO knows, I'm always on top of these important matters. I've never ONCE slacked off on such serious endeavors as an APPLICATION. Nope, not me, I'm no slacker!
[At this, raYne rolls his kitty eyeballs.]
MB: Oh come on now! Cats can't roll their eyes!
[Oh yeah?]
MB: Yeah!
raYne:
MB: ... WELP, time to get to clickin'!
[You cover for things terribly, you know that?]
MB: I know...
[Mac Bry moves his mouse cursor over the HCW link... and clicks.]
[And just as soon as he does, a BLINDING light tears through the living room of Mac's trashy house in Nowhere, Oklahoma... eminating directly from the computer screen... The camera can see nothing but pure white for nearly three minutes, until... The light fades... and Mac Bry's chair is found empty, save for raYne (the cat)...]
[... who's eyes dart about... perhaps looking for his beloved master... before...]
[... he returns to licking his black and white kitty ballsack. So much for "man's best friend". ... Oh... wait... nevermind.]
[The camera zooms away from the pre-occupied pussy, and onto the screen of the computer... where the entirety of Mac's desktop has been replaced with a screensaver... one that has an ominous presence about it, that almost seems to show that it came from some... otherworldly source... An evil, retched screensaver, that Mac couldn't have possibly chosen himself...]
[The "screensaver" is that of the scrolling marquee variety... but its words are twisted... sick... nearly demonic.]
"There is a line that seperates fantasy... from reality. There is a line that seperates Beliefs... from the Truth. Dear Recipient... you have Crossed the Line. Welcome... to your own world order. Have a nice day."
*static*
=====================
[Scene: The raYne Forest ... St. Louis, Missouri ... Friday, August 22nd, 2009 ... 2:22 pm]
[He found himself... sitting in a chair... but not the same chair as before.]
[No... this one wasn't a soft, comfortable, swivel chair, like the one he had at his computer desk...]
[This one... was a wooden chair.]
[And those damn things are chock-full of splinters, lemme tell ya...]
MB: Wha'... where am I?
[Hello, Mac Bry. Or should I say... "THE" Mac Bry.]
MB: ... "THE" Mac Bry?
[Indeed. You are... as they say... "THE One". "THE Chosen One". You have been ordained by the Sacred Council of the Brotherhood of Prophets of e-Sports Entertainment, to make the journey from the OTHERWORLD... to OUR world.]
MB: ... "Your" world? You know... you don't sound like the normal voice in my head. I may be crazy, so much so that I hear voices... so crazy in fact, that I still find "Bio-Dome" to be one Pauly Shore's most brilliant pieces of cinematic wonder art... But dammit, I KNOW what that ol' voice in my head sounds like! And it's NOT you! ... Who are you?
[Simple. I am... The Narrator.]
MB: ... 'The Narrator'?
[YES! Crimeny, did anyone ever tell you you ask too many damn questions? "The Mac Bry?!", "Your world?!", "The Narrator?!"... Damn, man, can't you just take someone's word and leave it at that?! For pete's SAKE!]
MB: Well god, ya don't have to have a cow about it! But... uhm... what exactly IS "Your World"? This place almost looks like a log cabin I used to rp about in a few old e-feds... Wait, you DO know what an e-fed is, right?
[About that... there's something I must tell you. This cabin... it appears as the one you wrote of for one very important reason. And that would be... well... it IS the one you wrote about.]
MB: ... Ok, seriously, is this a prank? No, really, did that dude that played Leary Garcia set you up to this? I always KNEW he had it out for me... Trying to get my hopes up about a reunion! I just know it... There must have been cameras set up, and as soon as I clicked on that stupid link, BOOM! Those one trillion kilowatt lights go off, temporarily blinding me... I'm dragged outside of my house, thrown on some dumb wood chair, and when I can see again? You jerk offs try and make me think I'm "inside an e-fed". I mean HONESTLY guys, do you think I'm THAT stupid? I may be stupid, but not THAT stupid! Where are the cameras?! Where's everybody hiding at?!
[Shane...]
MB: AND DON'T CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME!!! Gawd!!!
[Ok... Mac. Believe me. I understand how hard it must be to realize this as the Truth... but it is just that. The Truth. You MUST Believe me.
MB: Stop using the words "Believe", and "Truth"! Those are MINE, get me, MINE! Garcia, if you're even THINKING about stealing those catchphrases, you better BELIEVE me, when I say the TRUTH is... I'm gonna SUE YOUR ASS, BEE-YOTCH!!! You best Belie' dat, PLAYA'!
[Mac Bry... there are no cameras here. Just you... this wooden cabin... and me, The Narrator, your guide into the realm where fantasy and reality meet.]
MB: ... You can't be serious.
[Well... I am.]
MB: AHA!
[... "Aha" what?]
MB: You're not Leary Garcia... you're JON!!! Damn you! You just couldn't get over the fact that I was ALWAYS BETTER THAN YOU, HUH!?
[...]
MB: Got nothin' to say, eh?! Well THAT'S a first! You've always been the one with the big mouth, first to brag about your list of accomplishments! But you KNEW, deep down, that you were HARDLY as good as me!!! ADMIT IT!!! FACE THE FACTS, BUB!
[Argh... Mac, trust me, I'm not Garcia's handler, I'm not Jon, hell, why we're at it, I'm not Andrew, Bass Monsoon's handler, or even your mom trying to scare you into finally getting a job.]
MB: *shivers* Don't even SPEAK the 'J' word... Yuck.
[The Truth is... you've arrived in a world where every single word you've ever written or been exposed to in your "career" as an e-fedder... is now as real as the hair on your head, or the blister on your ass.]
MB: HEY, how the hell did YOU know about that?!
[Hey, I'm the Narrator. I know all.]
MB: Oh...
[As I mentioned, you are "THE Chosen One". You ARE HCW's Savior, as your destiny has been foretold by the e-Sports Entertainment Prophets. You see... HCW... it needs someone so far beyond any normal handler. It needs someone SO commited to e-fedding, that he would be willing to forsake ALL in the name of leading this company to greatness. Someone with so little of a real life, that they would spend every waking moment, and every sleeping hour, working toward the future of this promotion. Even though it's just some fake fantasy wrestling website, that everyone else involved with takes as nothing more than a hobby. Because... well, you know, they aren't total losers. With a capital "L".]
MB: Hm... Far beyond any normal handler... Commited to e-fedding... Total and complete loser... by GUM, I'm all TWO of those things!
[... Two? But that's three - ]
MB: Narrator, my groovy cat... dude-meister, jive turkey and all that jazz... If it's a "Savior" you're looking for, then man... you've "Chosen" the right man for the job!
[Jawesome.
There are many other reasons we chose you, besides your lack of any sort of meaning or worth in the real world. For starters, there are all of the different characters you've portrayed over the years.]
- raYne
- Reeve Gordon
- Kruzifix
- Stung
- JJ Mynuz
- Axl VanHalen
- Viruz
[And of course, perhaps your most respected and cherished character in the e-Sports Entertainment Universe ; "The End Game", Wes Rivers!]
MB: ... Who?
[... Your most famous character? Wes Rivers? ... You know, in the land of the American Wrestling Alliance?]
MB: OHHH! ... Uhm, Narrator? That character only lasted, like, one week. It was probably my LEAST known character, to tell the Truth...
[Ah, but that is in YOUR world! In our world, Wes has gone on to become a multiple time champion in WWE!
MB: ... WWE isn't an 'e-fed', bro... it's a real life fed.
[See, that's where you're wrong. There have been MANY WWE E-feds. Most of them, really... REALLY shitty, I'll admit that much, but Wes has still held atleast two or three titles in each and EVERY one of them. And with the sheer amount of those damn things that flood our world like the plague, that's saying something.]
MB: Huh...
[And speaking of WWE, another reason we chose you is due to the fact that, while you've always had great original characters, you've also always enjoyed creating hackneyed "parodies" of the Superstars of your world. And with such a diverse wealth of poorly thought out rip-offs... er, clones... er, I mean "satires", you truly have the ability to take on the form of just about ANYONE. That is why we thought one of your trademarks when entering HCW, could be that you do take-offs of not only "real life" wrestlers, but parodies of your world's movie stars, musicians, politicians, and other various overpaid, plastic goofs.]
MB: Hm... sounds like a plan.
[And speaking of your ability to take on the form of ANYONE... as I mentioned before, you've played the role of many different characters. But, as you know, each of these characters you've portrayed has reflected a different aspect of your real life being. Together, they make up the full you... and with all of these attributes put together, we have the ultimate hero to follow! The TRUE Savior to WORSHIP!]
MB: Why, thank you! You make me blush...
... See?
[Why are you frowning?]
MB: Because there aren't any "blushing" emoticons on ProBoards that are smiling...
[... Ah. Anyhow, you must hurry, Mac. Tomorrow night is HCW's debut event, the premier edition of "Chaos Bleeds", their franchise program. It will be held not too far away from here... in the very same arena you roleplayed about oh so long ago. The XAW Arena, a bit outside of this "raYne Forest", here in St. Louis.]
MB: Wow... I'm actually going to step foot inside the XAW Arena... I have SO many memories of that place, but until now, they've always been nothing more than words on my computer screen... and now... This is just so overwhelming, Narrator.
MB: Then it must be done! Tomorrow night, I shall INVADE the XAW Arena... and begin a new era! An era where fantasy and reality intertwine... mesh together into one... collide with one another, tussle around, fondle eachother... and end up with a bouncing baby bundle of joy! And that baby shall be known... as Charles Nelson Mother f*ckin' REILLY!!!
[... Oh-kayyy... Well, Mac-Bizzle, you should probably head for the motel next to the Arena... this Forest is filled with all kinds of icky, nasty, yucky bugs, and spiders, and snakes, and other creepy crawly thingamabobs.]
MB: Awww... but I've never been able to experiece this cabin for REAL! I've been writing about it for years, but now it's REALITY!
[Well, alright, suit yourself... just watch out for the wolves.]
MB: Meh, I can handle wolves...
[And the bears.]
MB: Phfff...
[And... uh... terrorists.]
MB: ... Iraqi or Swiss?
[... Swiss?]
MB: OH DEAR LORD!!! Those are the WORST kind! The Swiss are VICOUS, I tells ya, VICOUS, with a capital SID! I AM...
- outta here -
- Saidogai
=====================
Sai... the only bad joke around here? Is ME!
Prepare to feel the wrath of the Bagel...
=====================
*static*
[Scene: The raYne Forest ... St. Louis, Missouri ... Saturday, August 23rd, 2009 ... 6:40 am]
Voice: Some of you may know me as Reeve Gordon... some of you? You may remember a pillow-biting fairy named "raYne". Hell, for the past five years I've gone by the name "Axl Van Halen" in a small time federation called 'Brawlers on a Budget'. But in the end... that's ALL in the past. And that, my friends, is what seperates me... from all of you.
Voice: I know when to move on. I know when to move forward. And more importantly, I know how to seperate reality from fantasy...
Voice: Fantasy is Believing in magical things like "raYne Forests", and fanstastic stories of a dragon warrior who soars so high into the sky that it takes hours for him to return to the canvas... Seriously, who REALLY Believed that JVX could leap that high off the turnbuckle? Not me... atleast.... not anymore.
Voice: Reality? Reality is the Truth. And the Truth is... raYne Forests don't exist. Neither do dragons. Only pain... only anguish... only torment.
Voice: And these are the three things I wish to bring to this promotion. Javex is no longer around to protect you has-beens and never was... -es. ... Javex WAS!
I AM...
[The voice rises from the chair... begins to turn... and when he does so, we realize that... well, we don't realize much, other than the fact that he's wearing a cloak, so we STILL can't figure out who this jerk is... DAMN the suspense!]
? : Once, I was known as Reeve... Then? raYne... Most recently, I was known as Axl. But the Truth is, these are just names. They are not who I am... Who I Am is so much more than a mere gimmick... I Am an entity to be feared... to be terrified of... I Am hell personified...
? : A man's name is not what Truly matters... it is where he chooses to go...
? : And I choose to go... to WSE. World Sports Entertainment... No matter the name, it is still the same place I remember from so long ago... and my only purpose in this business... is to see, once and for all, that the remains of Xtreme Alliance Wrestling is brought down... My purpose... is to KILL XAW... regardless of what it is called.
[The man behind the voice drops the robe... to reveal himself...]
[His face is painted the very same way as that of legendary grappler, Sting...]
[His hair is long, wild, and mulit-colored...]
[He wears one lime green eye contact, and the other, hot pink...]
[His legs are adorned with a pair of jet black 'Trippz' pants, with chains loosely scattered about...]
[He wears a glittery, sparkling t-shirt with the word 'DIVA' printed across the front in faux diamonds...]
[His feet are bare, and his wrists are accentuated by spiked bands...]
[Around his throat is a necklace... carrying a crystal dragon pendant...]
[... and in his right hand, he holds firmly a black baseball bat.]
[Born Reeve... Bred raYne... Became Axl... Now? He lives by but one name...]
Legion: I AM LEGION...
... for we ARE many.
[Hm... So... You're going by 'Legion' now?]
Legion: Yeah! Kinda catchy, eh?
[Well, to tell the Truth... It STINKS!]
Legion: ... YOU STINK!
Legion: What's that?
Legion: ... Oh shit.
*static*
=====================
[All of the suddenly, Mac Bry wakes up.]
MB: "All of the suddenly" ... The hell? *yawn* Wow... I just had THE most peculiar dream. I actually dreamed that I had joined an e-fed that had all of my old e-fed pals. Andrew... Kevin... Kyle... Jenn... Some guy named Deas, who I've never heard of... the whole gang! And I joined as this character that was a combination of every character I'd EVER played... but then my log cabin, the one I wrote about so many times in raYne's home forest... it was burnt to a kentucky fried CRISP!
MB: You Believe me, dont'cha raYne?
raYne (the cat) : Meow.
MB: Awww, that's such a pwitty widdle kitty-kins! Ohhh, you're just the most GORGEOUS and LOVEABLE and BEAUTIFUL, precious little thing in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!
raYne: ... Meow?
[Mac Bry grabs up his black and white cat, which he named after the e-fed character that brought him his most success. Which... doesn't exactly say alot, but hey, atleast raYne never got drenched in a vat of shit. Of course... with raYne being Reeve's alter ego, I guess that pretty much means he WAS... uh... aw screw it, MB's character history is too f*cking complicated to go into great detail about. Let's just listen to him make more of an ass out of himself, shall we?]
MB: So, raYne, whad'ya say buuu-ddy? Why don't we go check up on my parody based angle fed ; The WWECWCWWF!!! I posted the BIGGEST pay-per-view EVER, with all three hundred titles on the line, and a 5,000 man / woman / inanimate object / dead politician Royal Royale in the main event!!! Dammit, I just know EVERYONE has probably read it, and left like a bajillion quadrillion comments just HEAPING praise onto my BRILLIANT work! Let's check this shit out...
[As his cat begins to lick its crotch, Mac hops onto the e-Sports Entertainment message board that hosts his fed (eW-Ghetto, where eWrestling comes to DIE!). Mac arrives at his target... only to find but ONE hit on his show thread. The viewer DID leave a comment though ; ]
"You call this pay-per-view 'The Great American BackLash at the Beach' ? Well, you should change the name to 'The NOT-SO-GREAT American BackLash at the Beach'!!! Because ... that's what it is! Not-so-great. ... YOU SUCK!!!"
MB: GOD-f*ckING-DAMMIT! After busting my ass for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS, THIS is the only friggin' response I get?! I've waited an entire THIRTY MINUTES for the replies to pour in, and you mean to tell me I haven't already received one trillion positive comments?! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I... I... I'm going to have this message board shut DOWN, by gum, that's what I'M gonna do! And another thing -
Computer Speaker : You've got mail!
MB: ... Whoa... that's the first time I've actually gotten mail from somebody since... well, since I turned my spam filter on. Which was... five years ago.
MB: ... Jeez, I'm a loser. ... But hey, this must be important! Clickety click, and awaaay we GO!
[Mac clicks on the pop-up notification, and is instantly taken to his HawtMale account. Yes, HawtMale, the OFFICIAL electronic mail service of all 'PlayGirl' subscribers. ... Oh, it's not that Mac is gay or anything. No, no, of course not. Just bi-curious. But, hey, he's got a girlfriend... who just so happens to ALSO be bi-curious. ... She might not care for me mentioning that, though...]
MB: I'm sure she wouldn't! ... So don't!
[Already did.]
MB: ... DAMN!
[The two have been going out for four years, ever since their high school senior prom. Mac's shared a GREAT relationship with Crys... Well, besides the fact that his mom only lets him see her every weekend... Despite the fact that he's now 22 and a half years old. But hey, as long as he's living under HER roof, it's HER rules. And... well, let's just say a job's nowhere in sight for poor ol' Shane.
]MB: HEY!!! No referring to me by my REAL NAME!!!
[Whoops!]
MB: Hm... this e-mail is from a familiar address... gio2371@a-o-hell.com ... Weird. Well, let's see what we've got here...
"Dear Recipient,
Come August 26th, many of the great members of some of the web's FINEST feds will converge, to form a brand-spankin' new organization! They will hail from such great feds as ; Xtreme Alliance Wrestling ... Mid-west Championship Wrestling ... The Ultimate Pork & Beans Eating World ObeseWeight Federation ... among MANY others (read : no others) .
Such great members as ;
- Andrew Giovanni (Vlad, Scarface)
- Kevin Thompson (Apollo Kaytor, Mystic, One Man Army)
- Kyle Lee (Saidogai, Bruce Lee's ugly step-cousin)
- Jennifer Whatsherface (Tara Rysing, a buncha others I don't feel like thinkin' aboot)
- Tracy Buttsecks (Antagonist, Griffin probably, himself, Tootie)
- The Russian! ... Nah, better not invite that guy, he'll drink all the vodka in catering...
- Jon the Mexican Feller (Javex Valerius. ... Ok, we didn't really get him, but hey, you can bet your sweet ass we tried...)
- The guy that played Sugar Stevens. You remember HIM, right? He was AWESOME! Now his character goes by the name "Adam Darke"! ... Yeah, don't worry, we think the name sucks too.
- Ralph Cramden (Draka. You know... big, tall... kinda dumb. ... Good at shuffleboard.)
- Some Guy Named Deas (Bryan Deas. Doesn't ring a bell? Trust me, you're not alone.)
- And MANY more! (read: no more)
So, if you want EXCITEMENT! If you like ACTION! If you enjoy PORN! Then click on the following link, and prepare for the fast paced, exciting, action-packed, porn-filled* world of Heartland Championship Wrestling!!!
*porn not included"
[Mac's face instantly fills with glee.]
MB: raYne!!! You won't BELIEVE this! My dreams have come TRUE! The whole gang is back together, and by GUM, this here ol' Oklahoma boy is gonna join in on the fun!
raYne: Meow...
MB: I know!
[... ?]
MB: I know EXACTLY what you mean, my adorable lil' snuggle muffin! I'm sure all of those guys will be SOOO totally looking forward to having me back in the fold! I mean, I WAS always their absolute FAVORITE! I mean... without me, they wouldn't have been able to keep XAW open as long as they did! I was like... like... their SAVIOR!
MB: And that's EXACTLY what I'll be for this 'HCW'! It's time to reunite with the family, and to raise some hell... the way only Reeve Gordon can!
raYne: MEOW!!!
MB: Ohhh, alright, I guess I'll use raYne as my character. But I'm finally starting to get over my little "bi-curious" phase, and I don't really think playing a gay character is going to help any...
raYne:
MB: OK, OK! Sheesh... I didn't even know cats could make those faces! You can haz your damn way, ya spoiled rotten little furball...
raYne: ;D
MB: Ugh... raYne (the character) it is. Welp, I guess there's nothing left to do other than to click this link, and sign up an application. As EVERYONE knows, applications are VERY important, and should always be taken care of with the utmost dilligence. And as everyone ALSO knows, I'm always on top of these important matters. I've never ONCE slacked off on such serious endeavors as an APPLICATION. Nope, not me, I'm no slacker!
[At this, raYne rolls his kitty eyeballs.]
MB: Oh come on now! Cats can't roll their eyes!
[Oh yeah?]
MB: Yeah!
raYne:
MB: ... WELP, time to get to clickin'!
[You cover for things terribly, you know that?]
MB: I know...
[Mac Bry moves his mouse cursor over the HCW link... and clicks.]
[And just as soon as he does, a BLINDING light tears through the living room of Mac's trashy house in Nowhere, Oklahoma... eminating directly from the computer screen... The camera can see nothing but pure white for nearly three minutes, until... The light fades... and Mac Bry's chair is found empty, save for raYne (the cat)...]
[... who's eyes dart about... perhaps looking for his beloved master... before...]
[... he returns to licking his black and white kitty ballsack. So much for "man's best friend". ... Oh... wait... nevermind.]
[The camera zooms away from the pre-occupied pussy, and onto the screen of the computer... where the entirety of Mac's desktop has been replaced with a screensaver... one that has an ominous presence about it, that almost seems to show that it came from some... otherworldly source... An evil, retched screensaver, that Mac couldn't have possibly chosen himself...]
[The "screensaver" is that of the scrolling marquee variety... but its words are twisted... sick... nearly demonic.]
"There is a line that seperates fantasy... from reality. There is a line that seperates Beliefs... from the Truth. Dear Recipient... you have Crossed the Line. Welcome... to your own world order. Have a nice day."
*static*
=====================
[Scene: The raYne Forest ... St. Louis, Missouri ... Friday, August 22nd, 2009 ... 2:22 pm]
[He found himself... sitting in a chair... but not the same chair as before.]
[No... this one wasn't a soft, comfortable, swivel chair, like the one he had at his computer desk...]
[This one... was a wooden chair.]
[And those damn things are chock-full of splinters, lemme tell ya...]
MB: Wha'... where am I?
[Hello, Mac Bry. Or should I say... "THE" Mac Bry.]
MB: ... "THE" Mac Bry?
[Indeed. You are... as they say... "THE One". "THE Chosen One". You have been ordained by the Sacred Council of the Brotherhood of Prophets of e-Sports Entertainment, to make the journey from the OTHERWORLD... to OUR world.]
MB: ... "Your" world? You know... you don't sound like the normal voice in my head. I may be crazy, so much so that I hear voices... so crazy in fact, that I still find "Bio-Dome" to be one Pauly Shore's most brilliant pieces of cinematic wonder art... But dammit, I KNOW what that ol' voice in my head sounds like! And it's NOT you! ... Who are you?
[Simple. I am... The Narrator.]
MB: ... 'The Narrator'?
[YES! Crimeny, did anyone ever tell you you ask too many damn questions? "The Mac Bry?!", "Your world?!", "The Narrator?!"... Damn, man, can't you just take someone's word and leave it at that?! For pete's SAKE!]
MB: Well god, ya don't have to have a cow about it! But... uhm... what exactly IS "Your World"? This place almost looks like a log cabin I used to rp about in a few old e-feds... Wait, you DO know what an e-fed is, right?
[About that... there's something I must tell you. This cabin... it appears as the one you wrote of for one very important reason. And that would be... well... it IS the one you wrote about.]
MB: ... Ok, seriously, is this a prank? No, really, did that dude that played Leary Garcia set you up to this? I always KNEW he had it out for me... Trying to get my hopes up about a reunion! I just know it... There must have been cameras set up, and as soon as I clicked on that stupid link, BOOM! Those one trillion kilowatt lights go off, temporarily blinding me... I'm dragged outside of my house, thrown on some dumb wood chair, and when I can see again? You jerk offs try and make me think I'm "inside an e-fed". I mean HONESTLY guys, do you think I'm THAT stupid? I may be stupid, but not THAT stupid! Where are the cameras?! Where's everybody hiding at?!
[Shane...]
MB: AND DON'T CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME!!! Gawd!!!
[Ok... Mac. Believe me. I understand how hard it must be to realize this as the Truth... but it is just that. The Truth. You MUST Believe me.
MB: Stop using the words "Believe", and "Truth"! Those are MINE, get me, MINE! Garcia, if you're even THINKING about stealing those catchphrases, you better BELIEVE me, when I say the TRUTH is... I'm gonna SUE YOUR ASS, BEE-YOTCH!!! You best Belie' dat, PLAYA'!
[Mac Bry... there are no cameras here. Just you... this wooden cabin... and me, The Narrator, your guide into the realm where fantasy and reality meet.]
MB: ... You can't be serious.
[Well... I am.]
MB: AHA!
[... "Aha" what?]
MB: You're not Leary Garcia... you're JON!!! Damn you! You just couldn't get over the fact that I was ALWAYS BETTER THAN YOU, HUH!?
[...]
MB: Got nothin' to say, eh?! Well THAT'S a first! You've always been the one with the big mouth, first to brag about your list of accomplishments! But you KNEW, deep down, that you were HARDLY as good as me!!! ADMIT IT!!! FACE THE FACTS, BUB!
[Argh... Mac, trust me, I'm not Garcia's handler, I'm not Jon, hell, why we're at it, I'm not Andrew, Bass Monsoon's handler, or even your mom trying to scare you into finally getting a job.]
MB: *shivers* Don't even SPEAK the 'J' word... Yuck.
[The Truth is... you've arrived in a world where every single word you've ever written or been exposed to in your "career" as an e-fedder... is now as real as the hair on your head, or the blister on your ass.]
MB: HEY, how the hell did YOU know about that?!
[Hey, I'm the Narrator. I know all.]
MB: Oh...
[As I mentioned, you are "THE Chosen One". You ARE HCW's Savior, as your destiny has been foretold by the e-Sports Entertainment Prophets. You see... HCW... it needs someone so far beyond any normal handler. It needs someone SO commited to e-fedding, that he would be willing to forsake ALL in the name of leading this company to greatness. Someone with so little of a real life, that they would spend every waking moment, and every sleeping hour, working toward the future of this promotion. Even though it's just some fake fantasy wrestling website, that everyone else involved with takes as nothing more than a hobby. Because... well, you know, they aren't total losers. With a capital "L".]
MB: Hm... Far beyond any normal handler... Commited to e-fedding... Total and complete loser... by GUM, I'm all TWO of those things!
[... Two? But that's three - ]
MB: Narrator, my groovy cat... dude-meister, jive turkey and all that jazz... If it's a "Savior" you're looking for, then man... you've "Chosen" the right man for the job!
[Jawesome.
There are many other reasons we chose you, besides your lack of any sort of meaning or worth in the real world. For starters, there are all of the different characters you've portrayed over the years.]- raYne
- Reeve Gordon
- Kruzifix
- Stung
- JJ Mynuz
- Axl VanHalen
- Viruz
[And of course, perhaps your most respected and cherished character in the e-Sports Entertainment Universe ; "The End Game", Wes Rivers!]
MB: ... Who?
[... Your most famous character? Wes Rivers? ... You know, in the land of the American Wrestling Alliance?]
MB: OHHH! ... Uhm, Narrator? That character only lasted, like, one week. It was probably my LEAST known character, to tell the Truth...
[Ah, but that is in YOUR world! In our world, Wes has gone on to become a multiple time champion in WWE!
MB: ... WWE isn't an 'e-fed', bro... it's a real life fed.
[See, that's where you're wrong. There have been MANY WWE E-feds. Most of them, really... REALLY shitty, I'll admit that much, but Wes has still held atleast two or three titles in each and EVERY one of them. And with the sheer amount of those damn things that flood our world like the plague, that's saying something.]
MB: Huh...
[And speaking of WWE, another reason we chose you is due to the fact that, while you've always had great original characters, you've also always enjoyed creating hackneyed "parodies" of the Superstars of your world. And with such a diverse wealth of poorly thought out rip-offs... er, clones... er, I mean "satires", you truly have the ability to take on the form of just about ANYONE. That is why we thought one of your trademarks when entering HCW, could be that you do take-offs of not only "real life" wrestlers, but parodies of your world's movie stars, musicians, politicians, and other various overpaid, plastic goofs.]
MB: Hm... sounds like a plan.
[And speaking of your ability to take on the form of ANYONE... as I mentioned before, you've played the role of many different characters. But, as you know, each of these characters you've portrayed has reflected a different aspect of your real life being. Together, they make up the full you... and with all of these attributes put together, we have the ultimate hero to follow! The TRUE Savior to WORSHIP!]
MB: Why, thank you! You make me blush...
... See?[Why are you frowning?]
MB: Because there aren't any "blushing" emoticons on ProBoards that are smiling...
[... Ah. Anyhow, you must hurry, Mac. Tomorrow night is HCW's debut event, the premier edition of "Chaos Bleeds", their franchise program. It will be held not too far away from here... in the very same arena you roleplayed about oh so long ago. The XAW Arena, a bit outside of this "raYne Forest", here in St. Louis.]
MB: Wow... I'm actually going to step foot inside the XAW Arena... I have SO many memories of that place, but until now, they've always been nothing more than words on my computer screen... and now... This is just so overwhelming, Narrator.
MB: Then it must be done! Tomorrow night, I shall INVADE the XAW Arena... and begin a new era! An era where fantasy and reality intertwine... mesh together into one... collide with one another, tussle around, fondle eachother... and end up with a bouncing baby bundle of joy! And that baby shall be known... as Charles Nelson Mother f*ckin' REILLY!!!
[... Oh-kayyy... Well, Mac-Bizzle, you should probably head for the motel next to the Arena... this Forest is filled with all kinds of icky, nasty, yucky bugs, and spiders, and snakes, and other creepy crawly thingamabobs.]
MB: Awww... but I've never been able to experiece this cabin for REAL! I've been writing about it for years, but now it's REALITY!
[Well, alright, suit yourself... just watch out for the wolves.]
MB: Meh, I can handle wolves...
[And the bears.]
MB: Phfff...
[And... uh... terrorists.]
MB: ... Iraqi or Swiss?
[... Swiss?]
MB: OH DEAR LORD!!! Those are the WORST kind! The Swiss are VICOUS, I tells ya, VICOUS, with a capital SID! I AM...
- outta here -